The Craziest Medicines Ever Sold In America

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America! What a nutty country. We used to prescribe just about anything as treatment for…well, almost anything! The doctor used to be who you saw to get whatever made you feel good, on the theory that if it makes you feel good it must be good for you. Journey with us to the days of yesteryear…
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Once used to prolong life, we now know that mercury shortens it.
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Got migraines? Seizures? Just visit your doctor, who’ll drill three holes in your head, then hand you a bill. This nuttery went on for hundreds of years.
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Wife getting a little lippy? Shock treatment! Doctors used to give electric shocks to restrained patients in order to cure them of mental diseases. It took several nurses to hold patients down. Trouble with Mister Johnson? They also used to try to treat impotence by shocking your weenie. Thanks, Doc!
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In many parts of the world, urine is applied as a topical treatment, applied to combat arthritis, cancer, hepatitis and more. It actually is an anti-fungal, antibacterial and antiviral agent.
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An old tradition to treat disease with alcohol got a huge boost when Prohibition took hold in the 1920s. About the only way to get liquor legally was to be prescribed it by a doctor. Oh to be a doctor in those days!
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Tomatoes are really good for you. It almost makes sense that doctors once thought to concentrate it and call it a cure. ‘Dr. Miles Compound Extract of Tomato’ was prescribed for constipation, diarrhea and (why not?) cholera. But it’s just ketchup.
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A little moody? Take a pick, insert it into the corner of an eye, and start sloshing the frontal cortex of the brain till it goes dark. It was all the rage once doctors saw how chimpanzees became ‘subdued’ afterward. Of course it would work on us, too!
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Drinkers of ‘Classic Coke’ only think they’re getting ‘the Real Thing’. They should try some 19th Century ‘Pre-Classic Coke’, the kind that was a mixture of wine and cocaine. That’ll perk you right up! Speedboat and Uzi not included.
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Doctors used to marvel at how effective the vibrator was at treating women’s ailments. Why, no matter WHAT the ailment, women kept visiting in droves to get their Vibrator Treatment! Clearly, this solved every medical problem women suffered, from hysteria to a runny nose.
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Baby got a cough? Heroin! Got a headache? Heroin!
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It doesn’t get better. Right up to the mid-20th Century determination that tobacco is bad for you, it had enjoyed the status of a cure-all. It’s hard to find an ailment to which tobacco wasn’t recommended as a remedy. Man, people were stupid in those days. Thank God we’re more advanced…
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…Or are we?
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